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Friday, September 28, 2007
memories of our 1st date..
dear blog..
its been 2 days i think since my last entry.. well nothing much has been happening la.. just gor nominated cell group coordinator for PKV... cool no? din think i would land a post in anything actually.. well its friday... will be going home later.. not really sure of how the weeks gonna end.. i honestly feel so blah.. there is no source of entertainement in my life.. well besides shobs n her beau that is...
went out to watch a movie yesterday.. "i now pronounce you chuck and larry" damn funny yet horribly gross!!!.. it was a total spontaneous decisiton.. we were all sitting down having dinner and i just blurted.."hey,you guys wanna go watch a movie.." everyones eyes just lit up right after that.. hehehe.. so we finished out dinner and left for midvally at about 8.45 and caught the 9.35 show.. by the time we got back was already 12.45.. at which time rathina, shobs and i took our bath.. together... in different cubicles that is... i think i failed to mention the size of each shower cubicle.. lets just say its so small that if ever you faint, you will be still upright!..
the outing to the movie yesterday marked something for shobs n beau.. was so cute watching them cuddle... ah.. took me back to when me n hiz went on our 1st date..
it ws the day i was to introduce him to shing yee, sham, pam n sam... went there early with the girls and waited for him to come.. it was funny how all of us were waiting outside chillis klcc near the railing looking down at the elevators and waiting for him.. while me giving a little bit of background bout him to them.. i dunno why but i was never really confident in the love he had for me.. i was so paranoid he would actually stand me up that day. finally i saw him coming up the elevator towards us.. and my friends were like.. OMG is that him?? and i was like grinning.. yea!.. and they were like.."he's cute" well.. he was.. he has like the most beautiful eyes a guy could have... and a smile laced with a dimple that could kill!! hiz was looking all nervous yet keeping it cool.. hehhehe.. its kindda hard to beleive that i could have that kind of effect on a person... hahaha.. well i introduced him to the girls and we went for lunch.. during lunch, we all talked.. us girls catching up... then came the interrogation part.. a tradition we all have where if one of us has a boyfriend we would introduce him to the gang and then interrogate him... heheh... well hiz wasnt so happy with the idea.. i was chewing my nails off so bad i din realize he kept shaking his legs and kept banging them against mine under the table..
well when the quetion of "why do you love divya?" came, he was all like.. "bcuz she's nice, sweet, cute..." sigh... i could just smile as he gleamed proudly at me at that point.. the rest of what he said came as blur to me... hahahhah! after lunch some of the girls decided to part while sham n her beau decided to watch a movie... they asked me n hiz to join and we agreed... i was pretty excited.. this would have been my 1st movie with a guy i really really liked!... so we went to buy the tickets.. standing in line.. his hand secretly found mine and we held hands... after a while the girls started noticing and they we're teasing and all... he pretended not to listen i guess.. i just amused them by putting my head on his shoulder.. and they all started giggling... was fun.. hahahah..
we were watching A Night at the Museum.. and as soon as we took out seats in the cinema, he held out his palm tpwards me.. i looked at him and he smiled..(i swear i die everytime he smiles that way! even now!) i linked my fingers with his and locked our arms together in a more comfortable position.. movie started and as we laughed and he kept looking at me.. to watch me laugh? i dunno.. but after a while i started getting shy of him doing that so i just snuggled up to him, my head on his shoulder.. then he gently placed his head on mine.. i wondered at that point if heaven felt like that... throughout the movie he was caressing my hand.. drawing circles on my palm, and occasionally lifting it up to his lips to kiss it.. oh sweet memories.. thank God we were in the dark cinema... or he would probably be able to see how hot my face was turning..
after the movie he put his arms around me as we walked out of the cinema.. we were just having empty talk till it hit me that our day was probably over and i had to start heading back home.. we walked towards the lrt station and stood there waiting for sham to come.. and he pulled me towards him as he leaned against a wall in the station... he was holding both my hands while telling me sweet nothingness.. ahaks!
the date ended with him plaanting a soft kiss an inch away from my lips... well.... he's not so much into PDA n neither am i la.. that was too much already.. which then took me to the time he gave me my 1st kiss... about a month earlier... sigh.. that one.. no words can possibly come close to discribing la.. hahahha.. well i did love the man.. part of me still does... but hey.. life goes on no? i gotta... i hope for his sake he is too.. cuz he told me he'd be waiting still.. hmmm.. well.. i guess time will just figure things out...
k.. thats was that i guess.. hmmm.. i'm just waiting now for someone who can top that.. someone who would steal my heart and keep it in a safe for himslef alone.. someone who would sweap me off my feet... dude.. wherever u are come quick!.. its been 7 months freaking months and i'm still not over hiz... this is starting to get sick!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
another day back in uni... heheheh.. guess what... i just got 2 dedications of kuih raya.. muahahahah.. k la.. so one of them is from me... kekeke.. well i wanted some kuih raya la.. is that too much to ask??? my money!.. the other one was from pinto... the dude who stole my cousin's heart... way to go pinto... am truly happy for you guys... altho it would have been fun to watch if you wouldd have prolonged your 'tackling' like i suggested.. well you know whats best for you...
ah.. but shobs lucky alright... he's quite the romantic.. didnt think he was. hahahah... man... i wish i could find a romantic kindda guy.. with corny lines.. the one i had was no romantic at all.. .well on the upside.. whenever he DID finally say something romantic.. i was sure as hell he meant it... then i met one who could have been a potential partner... romantic and all.. then i found out he was just playing me.. utter jerk!... why do guys have to be like that.. you get either one or the other... i need to socialize more... sigh.. altho.. thats the last thing on my mind right now...
finals are closing in and i havent started studying yet.. going out for lunch with subash tomorrow.. cant wait for that!.. oooh.. and adelene smsed saying she wants to meet me.. wonder why... maybe its some pkv thing our varsity christian brotherhood... (persaudaraan kristian varsiti). i'm gald i joined it.. its really woth spending more time there... can get closer to God... Lord i know i've been drifting.. but i truly want to get it right with you... really!.. i will try my best and make it work out... i will i will... just that everytime i try i mess things up for myself by sinning... then i feel so guilty comeing back to YOU... but i kow in YOu there is no condemnation.. so i can always turn back to you.. i just wish i dont take it for granted too much.. as the way i'm doing right now... sigh... life seems pretty messed up la.. mom/dad/vidya... need to try and make things work with them too.. now i'm contemplating f i should go get a ptptn loan... they cant support me.. maybe i'll be at peace if i get my own land and pay for it in my own time.. at least i wont be burdening anyone no? sigh.. talkied to mom about it and she said as of now she can still support me... but she's not working.. Lord i pray you will find her a job.. please.. she needs one... just so we can have a fixed amount of money comeing in every month... dad on the otherhad.. business is bad.. i think there are plans of papa going to dubai to work.. georgie achacha is there.. hope it works out la.. hmmm/... k la.. i'm getting tired.. i think i shall go study a bit befor hitting the sack... good nights!!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
i highly doubt anyone visits here anymore.. so therefore i shall take this opportunity to make this my log journal... whoever stubles upon it.. well.. whatever... my mind has to run free.. and i bet your sweet but it will.. too much tention to handle.. to little people to talk.. topics will be going on one by one..
dear log,
it is i, divya mariam chandy here in a shaken situation. i met with a blinking accident today la... my fault entirely... k.. here goes...
i was driving back home from art class from bkt indah and just as i reached jln kosas utama(i will never forget the name of the road!).. vidya was in the car.. thing is.. she was giving such a long face the whole day time i decided to be a good sister and cheer her up.. i looked at her to talk to her.. at one point and that when.. CRASH!!! i got a shock of my life.. i was like i God let it not be what i think it is...
then to my horror!.. i saw 4 indian men coming out of that car.. spoke to them and they reaked of alcohol.. which is probably why they said they didnt wanna go to the police station... duhh.. thank God mom called abby chachen and he came..(thank God for abby chachen) he came.. oh.. these guys wanted me to pay them RM 3000!!~~
i'm a blinkin student where am i supposed to get that kind of money la?.. adoi.. but do you know how guilty i feel right now.. its not even our car!!.. its bobby chayen/s car.. the car he trusted us to use.. and the face that our family is so tight on money.. i think i shall start thinking of getting the ptptn loan la.. thats the only reasonable way i'm gonna pay for allm y screwups la.. maybe in the process i can help buy a car aswell.. hmm.. hehehe.. k la.. the last bit was a bit too much la.. better go research on how to get that one done.. anways.. thats all for now.. me is sleepy.. good nightz!!!
Friday, June 02, 2006
haloo... hmm.. not too sure how many people actually visit my blog now.. since its been like 6 months since my last entry... no time larr forM 6 is no joke man!!!... and besides i just got my internet fixed.. after ages!!!!... neway.. studies are getting on ok.. although the road is rough.. but i know with Him by my side.. i will be able to pull thru....
and as usual.. my love life sux..... i just dont understand myself.. i rather feel for a person from a far... and just leave it at that... when that person starts showing interest all i do is just run and hide... i dont know.. maybe i'm just scared.. of what.??.. i'll let you know when i find out myself... love is a really strong word.. not sure if its come to this... and i hate that word.. it has just somehow not proven me its worth... sigh... worst still when you're in love with someone you're not supposed to... forbidden love... ah... romeo and juliette you say... NOT!!! it just sickens me of how out of hand things have become.. and i'm usually a person who is in total control of my emotions... (dont laugh!!... i am) i started composing again.. so i guess this time is for real... but is sad... cuz as much as i want this i cant... "my life is not mine own"... sigh.... neway heres something i worte.. its supposed to be a song.. i'm still in the process of making the melody... it sounds nice so far... 3 basic chords, key: C minor... my first minor song... hehehe....
so enjoy... love yall!!!!
A story of a girl who keeps crying inside
for the trust she could not give, the pain she has to hide,
then HE came along, and gave her new hope
but with the demons around her, its just so hard to cope
HE showed her the true meaning of her love
A heavenly gift from up above
those who taste it will never be in want
but why does this heart want more, tho she knows that she cant?
thoughts spinning round and round in her head
of another man she wishes to find
to fulfill this need of the skin
to fill this desire from within
I just dont understand these feelings that i have
is it just a passing phase? Lord get me out of this cave
i cant afford to feel this way, hopeless and scared
why does something so good at the same time feel so bad?
Chorus:
I long for thoses eyes to be only mine
i long for that smile to make me fine
those arms to keep me safe and warm
those lips to help calm this storm
i feel like i cant breath
oh help me God, I'm dieing inside
Please LET ME LIVE....
Friday, October 21, 2005
heya... looong time no entry...
yep.. this is the consequences of doing form 6.... hahahha.. neway.. i find form 6 fun.. so many nice people... my class is like a huge family.. check out our class blog.. princenprincesses.blogdrive.com.. neway.. here something a classmate wrote for his uhm/.... to say girlfrend also not yet... so yep... he told me to tell you guys its for his princess... so here goes...
I tend to live with tremendous thunders on Jupiter before
But once you appear as beautiful as Saturn in my sight
You shine like the brightest planet, Venus
And now I am enamored by you on Earth
I confess that I wanted to live with the theory of bond pair
Rather than the high repulsion of lone pair
I acknowledge the theory of intermolecular forces of attraction
So that I know what is meant by “So close yet so far” between the weak bonding of molecules
I hope that we are the biological catalyst
As it will never change until the end of reaction
I wish that we are the two strands of DNA
Destined to be complementary to each other
Sometimes I thank God for giving me
365 days in a year, 24 hours in a day
60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute
To spend them ceaseless with you
isnt it sooooooo sweet.. well you need to be a science student really appreciate it la... but then.. i bet you'll get the picture la right... so yep.. thats all for now..
Monday, September 05, 2005
The first time I heard this song, I liked it very much. When I first started playing this song on the piano, it damped my eyes .It reminded me of a friend I had. Someone I grew up and spent my childhood with. He was someone I poured my heart out to when no one else would listen, my shoulder to cry on. He never failed to make me laugh when things went bad. He was my weakness yet my pillar of strength, my joy and my pain. 8 months has passed since we both decided to go on separately. When paths crossing here and there but in total silence. When love turned into hate, then, disappointment. When pride overcame forgiveness, and when maturity sunk in.
But I will not look back wishing it never happened. It was meant to be. But then I just have these words from this song to say to him. Ivan, this is for you… =)
Think of me,
Think of me fondly,
When we say goodbye.
Remember me,
Every so often,
Promise me you’ll try.
On that day,
That not so distant day,
When you are far away and free,
If you ever find a moment,
Spare a thought for me.
And though it’s clear,
Though it was always clear
That this was never meant to be,
If you happen to remember,
stop and think of me.
Think Decembers by the ocean sea,
Don’t think about the way things might have been.
Think of me,
Think of me walking
Smiling by your side,
Imagine me, trying too hard to,
Put you from my mind.
Think of me,
Please say you’ll think of me,
Whatever else you choose to do.
There will never be a day when
I wont think of you.
Flowers fade,
The fruits of summer fade,
They have their season
So do we.
But please promise me,
That sometimes
You will think of me!
Ok.. So I changed it a teeny bit, but I just thought of you. Meant the words though… honestly!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
here is a story i decided to write... ok la.. so i took it from a movie.. but do enjoy!
************************************************************************
Staring aimlessly into the darkness i finally see a brush of orange along the horizon. This is it. This is my big day. This is the day that i will prove myself a worthy member and at the same time demonstrate to the younger ones how much love should be shown to our country. India. 50 years of independence and yet promises are not kept. 50 years of independence and still our whole lives depend on the constitutions that are agonizingly unheaded due to uncalled for corruption.
I stand fully erect and inhale what should be my last breath of day break. Rama stands next to me, surveying the day equally as much. He turns and looks at me.
"You are looking beautiful today Megna"
"......."
"Ask me why, Megna"
"Why?"
"Because no one can look so beautiful especially when she is about to do what you are"
"......"
"Are you afraid, Megna?"
"Not anymore Sir."
"Very good then, Megna. I want to see you at the ceremony like clock work. Remember your Purpose."
As Rama walks away I take another glance into to sky. Everything looks beautiful. And everything will be beautiful today. With my head held high i walk towards the bathroom sink. Not being able to sleep the whole night is no excuse for me to look haggard. After all, i have been trained eversince i was a child. There will be no mistakes, no turning backs.
I slowly undresses. Rita stands behind me and watch, holding my vest up so that i can easily slip into it. I look up into the mirror to see Rita tear. I turn to her with an assuring smile on my face.
"For India"
"For India"
As she helps into my vest i hear my heart thumping. Although I know how much mom and dad would be proud of me, i cant help my human nature of feeling afraid. Pushing that aside, i slowly put on my shalwar kameez. I throw my shawl over my shoulders. I look at myself in the mirror and sure enough i look beautiful.
I walk out of the tent. Eyes fixed to the dusty road. I try to free my mind of all things negetive.
"Megna!"
"Amar, you?"
"Yes Megna. I told you i will never leave you."
"Amar, dont come any closer."
Amar braves a few steps.
"Amar, stay away from me. I'm warning you."
"But Megna, I'm here now."
Amar stretched his arms apart. Oh, how i feel like running to him and feel his strong arms around me. Wait. Is that blood on his face? I feel the pain that he is going through. Its just that our paths were never meant to meet. He has a different destiny. Mine is for India. I really feel sorry for this man but what has to be done has to be done.
I walk pass him avoiding his outstreached ares. Suddenly i feel his hand grabing mine. I try to pull away but he is just too strong for me. He pulls me toward himself fast. I shut my eyes. Waiting. Waiting. Nothing.
I turn to face him. Handsome features stained with blood. Hazel eyes full of fear and yet compassion. Rama warned me once before that love will lead me to destruction. Love.. thats what I see in his eyes. That is what I'm feeling within me. I know that he too would do anything for the safty or his country. For that he has to stop me.
"Stop all this, Megna"
"I cant"
"So if you want to do this, lets do it together."
"No Amar. Let me go"
"Megna, I love you. Look me in the eye and tell me you love me too."
"......"
I look into his eyes. Through the pain and fears i see a place where i want to be. A place i truly belong. A place where nothing else would matter. Amar puts his arms around waist. His lips tremble as his shaking hands envolopes me, placing pressure on my vest. My vest. Meant only to be touched during the ceremony. Meant only to explode the people who killed my parents straight to hell where they belong.
"Say it just this once Megna"
"I love you."
I hold Amar close. My head resting on his heaving chest. He is scared. I feel it. But so am I. I shut my eyes as he tightens his grip on my waist, on the vest..............
****************************KABOOM***********************************
muahahahhahahahha!!!!!!!... like it?? talk about an explosive ending...
Monday, May 09, 2005
Form 6 is gonna start soon!!.. cant wait.. next tuesday to be exact. i thought that this will, you know, be just something to consume my time before going to ukraine. but then i realized that i might not be going to ukraine after all..
Money has always been an issue in my family. apart from the fact that mu mother is not working, my dad drinks. So basically things can be pretty hard to come by. Its just that i consider myself very very blessed to have relatives who are supportive and know the situation of my family. one of the examples was when i made and SPM pact with my Uncle.. that he would give me RM 200 for evey A i got for the exams if i got more than 6 As.. on the other hand if i got lower than that i had to give him Rm 100 for every A i didnt get. glad to say i got 7.. although its not s much as some people(that girl who got 17) it was sufficient for me. i was very thankful for it. so.. go do the math on how much i got =)
But then now that i want to do medicine, i found out that when it comes to money, it was no joke man!! for pre-medical alone i'm supposed to pay 33k ++ not including my food and clothes.. although, invitation, accomodation and all the visa stuff would be taken care of. so where on earth was i supposed to go get the money? My mom told me that since i want to do medicine, she wants to make sure i do it. She dosent want me to grow-up doing something else and looking back saying 'if only i went to become a doctor' with the excuse that my parents could not afford to send me for medicine.
Well, i did try to apply for some scholarships since my results were good. But being in a country like malaysia, you have to just sit and face the facts that the 'bumiputra's get more privilages when it comes to these kind of things. not saying i find it entirely stupid but this is how the system works! so having done that(and failed) i resorted to just sticking with form 6 till i got some avenue for some guarenteed financial support. however, mom decided to apply for Crimea State Medical University (CSMU) anyway. So we went to do my Passport. i should be getting my offer letter soon...
Then lo and behold comes a friend who tells me that he has got friends in csmu doing their 4th year and are 'stuck' i didnt really asked what that meant but it was definately not something good. furthermore .. there are possibilities that the goverment might derecognize csmu because of the amount of non-malays going there to study. (they need to keep to the quoto for the amount of doctors in malaysia according to race you see.... T_T) on top of that, the lecturers get a painful sum of income that under-table-money is required to pass a test. (on some casses la) So here i am, a girl with a an innocent and noble(cough cough) ambition of being a doctor, stuck in a corrupted world...
this morning i decided to call up a friend (ex-colleague) who is also planning to go to csmu. she wouldnt have to sit for pre-med la cuz she already finished stpm. So i was telling her that i've finally decide to finish form 6 first and then apply for my 1st year in csmu. But she told me that if i was determined to become a doctor it would be a total waste of time to do form 6: i'll be wasting 2 years and taking form 6 is a big risk especially if you're taking science.. people who have gotten 10 As for Spm get only 1A for stpm. well.. what do you expect? it is ,after all, the second hardest paper in the world!!!! and you have to only do EXEPTIONALLY WELL before getting a scholarship for local U.
After all that she said, i was just about to break down.. form 6 cannot, csmu oso cannot..so how?? then she told me that Malaysia is in need for doctors and that if after i get my offer letter and try to ask the education ministry for a loan i might get it.. and later on if i do well, they might convert it into a scholarship!!.. Ching Ching!!!!!!!!... it was like now the only thing i could actually hold on to as a small source of hope. So i decided to learn to "streach my faith" as what i learned in church last sunday, That my God WILL make a way for me to go do Medicine in Ukraine. I really pray that this light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter and brighter as time draws on!... ITS A CHALLANGE!!!
Friday, April 29, 2005
hmmm.... pretty bummed at the mo. feeling absolutely crushed. remember that dumb 12 year friendship i was talking about? well apparently the person does not want to be friends anymore. i can openly say this cuz he alomost never comes online and i bet there is a million to 1 chance he knows about my blog. (thank God i never told him).
i just feel so mad right now. i mean who would not be?? ok so maybe it was mostly my fault. i was too impulsive, judgemental and like he said "sensitive". no matter how much i feel like pouring my heart out in this blog i just cant... who likes a snitch? never mind the fact he was being a ... a... aurgh!!! all i just wanna say is that maybe we could all take a small lesson from here..
1. when talking to friends, epsecially if they are younger and have a tendency to be very immature, THINK... over and over again before saying anything.
2. NEVER get too attached to anyone. like my dad always says. you can trust your enemies more than your friends cuz you know when enemy will turns his back to you.. if its a friend you wont!
3. the bible says turn the other cheek... and may i remind you that you only have only two! exceed that and consider yourself a fool. dont be a fool!
4. dont try to be too sarcastic although its just the way you are... you'll never know when it wil backfire.
5. say exactly what you mean all the time.. the bible again states in the Beatitudes.. Let your Yes be a Yes and your No a No.
6. ...and dont be mean when you say it!
7. some people just dont know how to change
8. i'm not trying to say ignore the person totally when i say this. love with all your heart and mind. just that when shit happens, refrain from over-loving!
9. dont blame yourself too much
10. hmmm.... like my sunday-school teacher always says.. when you dont know an answer for a question like "what should we do?", just say "PRAY" you're never wrong.
OK... so its not exactly the best peice of advice but at this point of time this is just the best i can do. do bare with me. =)
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I Know it now that I was such a fool
To turn my back on you
When you had given me everything
I let you down I know that's true
Now I come to realize that
There are no happy days because
You're not here, I need to know if
There's a chance for me again
Late a night when I was all alone
You held me in your arms
I strayed away only to find
There was no place to hide
Lord please hear me when I say
I'll give my life you whatever I've got to do
Show me Lord and I will live for you
I'm not willing to, to give up on you
Knowing that you've always stood right by me
Until you forgive me my world won't turn
So if you hear my Lord, I'm saying that I'm
sorry
Said I'm sayng that I'm sorry
********
All I need is one minute of your time
5 seconds of it may change your mind
10 seconds to make you see
15 to say Lord I'm sorry
For all the things I've done
I'll take 20 more to say that you're the one
9 to think it through
I'll take the one to say I love you
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